When parents and children drift apart

the distance between parents and children does not always begin with a major disagreement. Sometimes, it happens quietly; one missed conversation, one busy evening, one unanswered question, one more hour spent on a phone instead of together.

Over time, those small moments can add up. In Jamaica, where many parents are navigating demanding jobs, financial pressures, long commutes, relationship challenges and the realities of raising children in an increasingly digital world, maintaining a strong parent-child relationship can be difficult.

However, the growing disconnect should not automatically be interpreted as parents no longer caring about their children. Rather, it reflects a complicated combination of pressures that can leave parents with limited time, energy and emotional capacity to remain consistently engaged.

Bishop Dr Carla A. Dunbar of Carla Dunbar Ministries International believes there is no single cause behind the widening gap between parents and children. “I don’t believe there is one factor that can be cited as the causative agent, but rather a number of factors, including economic pressure and changing family roles and routines,” Dunbar said.

Long working hours, multiple jobs and commuting can reduce the time available for meaningful parent-child interaction, she noted. Financial insecurity can also increase stress and conflict at home.

“In many cases, too, we see childcare being shifted to extended family, neighbours, or paid help. This also weakens parent-child bonds, which are replaced by digital media and phones, altering social development,” she said.

Some children, she added, now spend more time online than in shared, supervised family settings. There is also a generational divide. Some parents were raised to value obedience, respect and traditional roles, while younger generations may place greater emphasis on autonomy, negotiation and self-expression.

“The communication styles of older parents also differ due to the generation gap. Some children may want negotiation, while some parents default to strict correction and discipline,” she said.

Parenting stress and burnout further complicate the picture. Dunbar warned that, when parents are overwhelmed, some children can become emotionally responsible for adults, effectively reversing family roles and creating resentment.

Peer influence, particularly during adolescence, is another factor. “When adults have limited influence in children’s day-to-day social world, the disconnect grows,” Dunbar said.

Still, she cautioned against interpreting the disconnect as evidence that parents simply do not care. “Many parents are trying to raise children while carrying significant financial, emotional and relational pressures, often without the practical tools or support needed to remain connected and influential,” she said.

Education matters, but skills matter too. Parental education can help parents understand the emotional, psychological and developmental needs of their children, but Dunbar stressed that knowledge alone does not guarantee effective parenting.

“A parent can be highly educated yet still struggle with emotional regulation, stress, or consistency,” she said.

The realities surrounding a family must also be considered. Poverty, unsafe homes, relationship challenges, financial strain, caregiving responsibilities, community violence and substance exposure among adolescents can overwhelm even knowledgeable parents.

This is why Dunbar believes parenting programmes must be practical and culturally relevant.

That philosophy informs the work of Carla Dunbar Ministries International’s GYMM Academy, including its Parenting in the 21st Century programme, which seeks to equip parents and caregivers with strategies they can use in everyday family life.

Topics include parenting under stress, managing anger, responding after conflict and modelling emotional regulation. “Education that supports mental health and self-regulation can be especially protective,” Dunbar said.

The goal, she explained, is not simply to teach parents what they should know, but to help them recognise concerns early, validate their children’s feelings, teach coping skills, and communicate without escalating conflict.

Dunbar encourages parents to practise reflective listening, repeating what they believe they heard before jumping to correction. Instead of immediately asking, “Why did you do that?”, parents can ask, “What happened?” or “What were you thinking at that moment?”

Another problem is labelling. Calling a child ‘lazy’, ‘careless’ or comparing them negatively with a parent can create a fixed identity instead of correcting a specific behaviour.

Parents should describe what the child actually did and explain the impact. Long lectures can also be ineffective, particularly when a child is emotionally overwhelmed. Her advice is to keep the message short, establish the boundary, and return to the teaching moment when everyone is calmer.

Parents should also avoid punishing emotions. Telling a child to ‘stop crying’ or ‘don’t be angry’ can teach them to hide their emotions rather than learn how to manage them. “Teenagers divorce their parents easily,” Dunbar warned, underscoring the importance of establishing strong relationships before children reach adolescence.

Dunbar advocates for parents to be authoritative rather than authoritarian, maintaining clear boundaries while remaining respectful and relationship focused. “Empathy doesn’t mean making exceptions. If the rule is meaningful, enforce it the same way over time,” she said.

Consequences should teach rather than simply punish. Parents should also regulate themselves before attempting to regulate their children. That includes separating the child from the behaviour. Most importantly, parents need to maintain meaningful connection every day.

“Discipline is most effective when it takes place within a relationship in which the child consistently feels loved, heard, and secure,” Dunbar said.

Financial pressures, work demands, relationship challenges and parental absence can all contribute to family breakdown, although Dunbar emphasised that breakdown is rarely caused by one factor.

Money problems become particularly damaging when combined with poor relationship quality, high-stress parenting, and limited social support. Work demands can create burnout, care crises and an uneven distribution of household responsibilities, while unresolved relationship conflicts can further amplify parenting challenges.

“The relationship between the adults often becomes the emotional climate in which the child is raised,” Dunbar said.

As a result, strengthening communication between spouses or co-parents and addressing conflict before it becomes a crisis are also important aspects of protecting children. Schools, churches, communities and government agencies all have a role to play. Schools can identify problems early, connect families to support and provide counselling, mentoring, tutoring and after-school programmes.

Churches and community organisations can create safe spaces, strengthen social networks, and reduce the stigma associated with seeking help. Government agencies can help fund and coordinate accessible services, including counselling, childcare, parent education and early-intervention programmes.

Dunbar believes government does not necessarily have to create every programme itself. Instead, agencies can partner with qualified organisations already working in marriage, parenting and family education.

There are warning signs that a parent-child relationship has become seriously strained. These include escalating and intense conflict, contempt, humiliation, withdrawal, threats, physical aggression, fear, abuse or neglect.

Parents should also take seriously significant changes in a child’s behaviour, including school refusal, social withdrawal, severe emotional distress, self-harm, suicidal talk or risky behaviour. “When there are rigid power or control struggles over basic routines, with no workable agreements, the situation can become harmful,” Dunbar said.

For parents who recognise that they have become disconnected from their children, Dunbar recommends starting small.

Dunbar also encourages parents to listen without immediately trying to solve every problem, offer choices within reasonable boundaries, follow through on promises, and notice their children’s efforts.

“Parents must remain calm, present, and consistent,” Dunbar said.

keisha.hill@gleanerjm.com