Love audit: Is your relationship in the red or are you raking in profits?

If your relationship were a company, would you be thriving? 

For Clinical Psychologist Yvonne Anderson-Binns, growing a relationship is indeed similar to growing a business, as both possess some of the same key ingredients.  

“We know that effective communication is a key aspect of both, but what we do not think about is the comprehension aspect of it. You can sit and talk all you want, but if the person across from you has barriers erected that block them from receiving the message, you are wasting your time. Sometimes we think that we are communicating, but all it works out to is white noise because the person is just waiting to jump in and make their point; they are not actively listening to understand your perspective,” Anderson-Binns told Sunday Lifestyle. 

For Charmaine and Jerome Mathison, a couple who have been married for close to 15 years, their company is a Fortune 500 entity built on some strong components, including being open to change, communication, and friendship.  

“At first I tried to keep up with what other church people were telling us to do, like me saying ‘Yes’ whenever my husband wanted sex, but I soon realised that I was pleasing them and not so much my husband, and I for sure was not pleasing myself,” Charmaine said. “So, one Sunday afternoon, we drove to Port Royal, and I asked him what he wanted from our marriage, and he said, ‘I want us to be friends more than anything. Yes, sex is also a priority, but if I get sick or can’t perform, it is the friendship that will have to sustain us for the rest of our lives.” 

When asked if his relationship were a business, if it would be growing, stagnant or quietly operating at a loss, husband Jerome replied that he is thankful it is not only growing emotionally but also organically, as Charmaine is expecting some time around September and, by now, he knows that he has to be the primary provider of tangible assets and services such as foot rubs, back massages, late-night gas station trips for ice cream and Big Foot snacks. And when it gets down to the last two months, he will be the primary painter of toes, so he is already stocking up on fluorescent nail polish and cocoa butter for her heels. “I will not have her outside looking busted down.” 

But, other than sweat equity, what other assets can a man bring to the relationship that can be audited? For 32-year-old Leon Davidson, an accountant who is currently single, relationships are expensive enterprises that should be left alone if the only thing a man can bring to the table is his appetite. “How I see it, most women want to be treated well, and I don’t mean chivalry, I mean they want treats like vacations, expensive meals. Bridget Sandals and hair bundles. I think that is too many expectations when you just start dating, so I stay in my own lane,” said Davidson.  

In joining the conversation, Sagicor Financial Advisor Marilyn Hunter-Smith shared that nothing is wrong with assessing the assets needed or currently lacking in a relationship because a union is just like a spreadsheet that will have a debit and credit side and if after years of investing you do not see any growth, it is definitely time to re-evaluate if you are going to stay the course or cut your losses and move on. “Traditionally, women are said to be nurturers and men are hunters, but the evolved male has to offer more. He should come equipped with emotional intelligence and availability, reliability, respect, a sense of adventure and security.” 

Note that the balance sheet will not always balance perfectly as humans are flawed beings, but it should at least not be completely one-sided. If it is, one may then need to take stock of the current assets to evaluate what exactly is draining or deleting your resources.  Teacher Andrea Simpson, who has been single for the past six months, shared that, in her last relationship, the assets she valued were kindness and gentleness, consideration, and how supportive her partner was in her seven-year union. “Ultimately, however, the infidelity and the accompanying lies basically eroded and drained away any equity that had built up. His having a whole other family not only depleted me mentally but also depleted our joint bank account!” 

Which leads to the next relevant question: in a relationship, who sacrifices and compromises the most and, if needs be, who has to take an ‘L’ career-wise for the other person to advance? Again, Anderson-Binns chimed in that, as much as we want to say that society has transformed over the decades, it is nowhere near 50-50 in terms of whose dreams must be put on hold for the greater good. 

“Women are disproportionately the ones who have to give up their jobs, friends and even family to move if their partner gets a job opportunity far away or overseas. It is still expected that she will just pack and follow behind him, [a] few questions asked. Or if she can’t secure reliable childcare, such as through her mother, sister, or another family member, she is expected to quit her job and stay home and raise the children. No one will ever suggest that a man stay home and raise kids. And why is that? Though we are 26 years into the new millennium, certain things are still viewed as women’s roles.” 

So, how can we strive to find some balance or equity in the relationship audit? For the company to thrive, its mission statement and objectives must align long before there are children, a mortgage, the white picket fence, and the dog. For most projects to work, they generally are assessed through SMART goals, meaning the objectives are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. So, too, should the relationship goals be smart for everyone involved, with clear channels of communication, valuing opinions, encouraging independent ideas, and setting firm boundaries that are respected. 

nicola.cunningham@gleanerjm.com